I am sure you have all heard the famous saying, “A bed divided against itself cannot stand.” Oftentimes bedrooms are divided by what seems to be a simple plight, but is actually a spreading disease. The disease is called blanket hogging. Although you might have never heard of it, this homewrecker exists in 1 in 3 households with recent reports indicating animals may now also be infected. If you don’t know what I am talking about, let me explain.

Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night freezing– on the verge of being cryogenically frozen–only to notice the person sharing the bed with you, the one soundly sleeping, is wrapped in every last piece of blanketing, taunting you with their sleep smile?

At first, you might assume that the disappearing act of the blankets covering your body just might be an accident. Not wanting to make an issue of it, you try covering up with whatever scraps of blanket your bedmate might leave dangling.

The second time it happens, you might try to gently bring the issue to light. So, you lean in; softly nudge the cover culprit, and whisper, “Baby, can I have some blanket?” They may let some of the covers out of their sleepy death grip just long enough for you to get comfortable before they swipe them away again, but generally your pleas will just fall on deaf ears. The blanket-jacker is so consumed by their own urge to be in the middle of their cocoon of blanket solitude, they cannot hear your shivering cries.

After an endless series of all-night-long cover-wrestling matches, that make watching the UFC feel like the Teletubbies, the resentment has escalated. You can blame all you want, but the fact is: blanket hogging is a disease. It is the sort of disease that is enabled by denial; nobody wants to believe they have it. Contributing to its rapid spread is a lack of effective therapeutic measures; there is no clear-cut way of dealing with someone who hogs blankets like Kobe Bryant hogs a basketball. We have all tried in different ways to confront the problem, and all of our ideas have failed.

Some people try talking to the sheet charlatan about it, but find the route to be extremely frustrating. Since the bedding embezzler is asleep when they commit the crime, it can be hard for them to recognize their complicity when they are confronted. Some have tried to offer the blanket junkie pamphlets on 12 step programs for other addictions, but the chances of that helping are slim. According to websitestosupportmyargument.com, 94% of people who attend self-help meetings end up relapsing.

It once got so bad for me; that I tried leaving a fallow blanket on the side in preparation for the blanketeers strike, only to have it stolen from me like land from the Native Americans.

How about government intervention, you might be thinking. The fact is the government has spent millions of dollars not studying this problem, releasing instead statements saying, “There just is no effective way to properly treat the disease,” and “We hope that a solution can be found soon.”

I am here today with tentative good news: I believe a remedy has been found. As the foremost leading expert in the field of sleep snatching, I regret to inform you there is no cure for this puzzling disease, but my team has developed a long-term treatment strategy.

We at the comedyskills laboratories have dedicated the last three dog months to putting an end to this covers curse.

It gives me great pleasure to bring to you a sleep savior: the Burrito Blanket.

The Burrito Blanket is an overlay that allows your blanket burglar the freedom to wrap themselves up, yet leaves you enough blanket to get the rest you deserve. Imagine a blanket that allows you to sleep comfortably instead of lying awake shivering, contemplating strangling the cover crack-head.

The BB uses a sophisticated design, where one blanket hangs from the middle of another, creating a vector of covers. In the Philippines, it is referred to as the “T Blanket,” because when in use, the BB resembles a capitalized T. This design not only helps you soundly sleep, but also has revolutionized the way kids make forts all over the world.

Buy your Burrito Blanket today and we will throw in the one-of-a-kind Security Burrito Blanket. If you call in the next year, we will even throw in the Space Burrito Blanket, for all you space travelers.

We at comedyskills.com know that we can’t cure the disease of cover hogging, but are united in the pursuit to help treat it. The Burrito Blanket brings us one step closer to ameliorating the worst symptom of a disease that devastates so many sleeping arrangements. A bed divided against itself still can’t stand, but at least now it can warm the masses.

Tags: Blanket stealing, cover hogs, curing a disease, funny invention, invention, million dollar idea, people who hog covers, Slang, staying warm