I’ve just finished running 13 kilometers (8 or 9 miles I think) and it reminds me of a joke I wrote:

Pain is the way your body tells you that something is bad - well then how come exercise hurts so much?

I know it’s not that funny but it’s fucking true. Incredibly, the part that currently hurts the most right now is my nipple - the right one to be specific. See, I sweat a fair bit and for some reason my nipples like to get erect while I’m running (don’t ask me why, ask my nipples). I’ve got a pretty nasty headache as well, I hydrate as much as I can but in my case this seems to be an unavoidable byproduct of running.

Why the hell am I subjecting myself to this you ask? Well, for the last many years I was thinner than my brother and now he’s been exercising a bundle (a half-marathon last year) and has become the skinny brother. This is something that I can’t live with. Also, when I edit the videos for this site that feature me I see that I’m not that svelte. Imagine spending hours and hours looking at yourself being a requirement for your hobby/profession - I don’t recommend a editing footage for a comedy video site to anorexics.

I’ve done a great deal of exercise in my day but the only times it doesn’t feel like torture was with the team sports. You can’t let the team down so you push yourself and don’t think so much about the pain. But why does it have to hurt so god damn much? Honestly, if searing my chest with a hot iron could burn calories and up my metabolism I’d prefer it to running.

I’m going to try and stick with it in hopes of it getting less painful. My asthma makes it a little tougher with the breathing and stuff (what a pussy I am, complaining about my ass-mar) but I can deal with it. I’ll even try and push through the nipple pain but it can last for days.

Sure this is strange for a post on a comedy website but I just can’t get over how weird it is to spend a bunch of time to go through this painful thing that’s supposed to be GOOD for me. I’ve got another way to lower my blood pressure - just cut my wrists a little bit. Surely a small leak will bring it down to something good over something okay.

I fully agree with the idea of “no rewards without effort” but should the effort always make you want to stop and apply ointment to your nipple? Is S&M really big in Kenya? If so I’ve never heard much about it but perhaps there’s a connection - and some of those dudes actually run without shoes.

This post reminds me of a line from one of my favourite new TV shows, Eastbound and Down:

“Taking part in this race is just like trying to see who is the best at exercising.”

Since starting to write this my nipple has calmed down a bit. It’s still awfully sensitive to the touch but without abrasion it doesn’t really hurt. Why the hell is it only the right one that hurts? If I die soon this ‘pain due to exercise’ question is going to be first on my list for god. Seriously dude, give us some bodies that actually enjoy being good to themselves. He’ll probably be against running anyway since most runs are done on Sundays. Well Yahweh, if you can make Dr. Ho’s device actually work I’ll make sure to never use it on the Lord’s day.

Tags: running exercise pain nipple yahweh dr. ho eastbound and down marathon