I am in full support of someone who changes his or her name (legally.) There are plenty of reasons why you might want to change it. Religious reasons, you are wanted by the KGB, a sex change, or your parents are rich pseudo-intellectual antidisestablishmentarians and named you something ridiculous like Ranthanon, are all acceptable reasons to change your name. What I absolutely despise is when people change their name from a normal one, to a weird one. I call it a, “I want to be different” name change. A, “I want to be different” name change, is where a person just decides one day they want to go by a different name. For example: “My name is not Rick anymore, I am Salamander.” Or, “I am not Susie, I am Raven Willow.” When you hear that it makes you want to go, “Really? I changed my name too. My name is not Matt anymore, it’s you’re a douche bag.” Usually these arachnion’s don’t legally change their name, because deep down they know they are going to want to go back to their original name. Eventually they get to the point where they want to mate, and they realize the “Hi, I’m Siddhartha” line does not work. They find out that their pretentious “I want to be different” name; instead of intriguing people, instead makes people want to use a fork to put a fire out on their face.

 I had a friend (I am going to use a different name because he’s probably reading this) do the, “I want to be different” name change. It totally changed the dynamic of us hanging out. My buddies name was Jordan, which is not a unique name. In his defense, it is not common either. According to the 25 most popular names of the 80’s (when he was born) Jordan ranks 189th. One day, Jordan, out of the blue says to me, “Don’t call me Jordan anymore. My real name is Oparen! Jordan is dead to me.” He hadn’t changed his name legally; he just did the “I want to be different” name change because according to Jordan, Oparen was his “true name.” I did not know this about his new name, but apparently Oparen in Latin means, I need attention. I hated the sudden name change because I had been calling him Jordan for 5 years, and now he just decides that his true name is Oparen and expects everyone to call him that. The problem is, everyone did start calling him that, but me. We would all be out, and I would say, “Hey Jordan” and everyone would look at me like I just spit in a handicapped kids face.

 It got to the point where I stopped addressing him by his name period. Which made it weird when I would have to call his house; where other people lived. I always wondered if his family embraced this sudden name change. I would call and just combine the name like, “Is Jorparen there?” Usually this would get a laugh out of one of his family members and they would hand the phone to him. Finally, 5 years later, I decided I would start calling him Oparen. The first time I called him Oparen he said to me, “Oparen is not my name anymore. I am going back to my real name; Jordan.” I felt like I had just been punked. It seemed like it was a 5-year elaborate practical joke on me. Like I was in the non-dramatic sequel to that god-awful movie The Game.

Moral of this rant is, if you change your name; commit to it. Like the guy I knew who legally changed his name to Mister Ohhlala (true story.) If you don’t like your name then legally change it to something you like. Don’t flip flop like a democrat out of water. However, If you do come across someone who pulls the “I want to be different” name change on you, stab them to death with something very dull. 

Tags: april fools, being cool, confusing people, funny joke, funny rant, granola, hippie names, hippies, Name changes, not addressing someone, pretentious people, punked, sex change, strange names, the game, weird friends, Why people do what they do